Diaries of the Newly Enciente: Hopes & Fears

Never will you fear your own mortality as much as when you are a mother waiting to bring your babe into the world.

For the squeamish, this is your last chance to step away from this blog. The next few lines would definitely be TMI for most.

Last night, for the first time during my pregnancy, I experienced spotting.Spotting meaning, I had some colored vaginal discharge, not enough to merit a sanitary pad, but enough to wipe away vs a speck on your liner.

They say this is normal in your first trimester, not so much in the middle or later stages. But if it did happen in the 2nd or 3rd term, most of the literature I found cited bleeding (implying a continuous flow), not spotting, and all of them raise this as a cause for concern.

In my case, it happened, last night. A tinny bit this morning, and again to the same degree as the night before, this afternoon. My saving grace is that it was dark and brown (meaning old blood), wasn't accompanied by pain or cramps, and little Aoife continued to be as wriggly and rolly polly as ever.

The midwife says to rest and take it easy. Take a few days off work as this is usually a sign that your body is telling you to slow down. If the discharge changes to red (or fresh blood) then its time to cart myself over to A & E (Accident & Emergency). 

I write this post not to gross you out but more in the hopes of finding a lifeline to my sanity. 

When I first discovered the spotting, I was in shock. Like I said, this hasn't happened before and I haven't really done anything extraordinary to warrant this so my mind started reeling. And while I knew that the torrent of silent tears following is potentially the product of an overabundance in hormones, the fears that egged them on were not.

I lay in bed letting the tears flow thinking of the possibility of not being able to see my baby, or hold her for the first time or be able to wait long enough for her to understand me when I say I love her. I cried for her not having a mother to share all the silly, serious, proud, and low moments of her life. I cried for my husband who would not know what to do with a little girl & at the same time cried harder knowing he would still try his best. I cried at the unacknowledged thought, that I could lose my baby girl.

It was a lot to cry about for something so little as a spot of old blood that simply tells you (that) you've been overdoing.

Even my brain was telling me I was overreacting and that it was all fine but the tears still wouldn't stop. I was rolling my eyes in the dark and they still came. I knew the tears were silly, but still, the fears were not.

Finally PIC, woke up from my sniffling and asked why I was crying. I said it was nothing and that seemed to stop them from coming. While PIC stays strong for me, I also try and stay strong for him and I guess that's what finally got me to stop.

In those quiet moments before I finally surrendered to sleep - I realize that for the first time, I truly feared the thought of not being around tomorrow. Gone is that self assurance that everything will be fine, and what will be, will be. This little wriggler in my belly is turning me into a bigger fighter than I have ever been before. 

What a scary yet surprisingly empowering thought. So this is what it is to be a mommy. I can't wait to find out more.